Several years ago when my mother
was in the hospital and slowly dying the doctors were keeping her comfortable
as possible. I spent several evenings visiting her and begged for her
forgiveness for something that was not my fault. The only fault that was mine
was that I had not forgiven her sooner for what I decided she had done wrong.
She discussed with me that there was a do not resuscitate order and that I was
not to fight my sister when it came time. I agreed to this knowing that was
what she had always wanted.
I was on my way to work on her
last day totally unaware that it was to be just that. I received a phone call
from my sister telling me that they were removing the breathing machine because
my mother had requested it. Instead of going to work I went straight to the
hospital. We had to wait awhile while they found my mother a new room. All day
long my mother was cheery and chatted and in the late afternoon my husband and
youngest daughter came to visit. I went to the waiting room to visit with them because
they couldn't all come to the room and they had brought me supper. I ate with
them and said our good byes before returning to my mother's hospital
room.
Once there my aunt had said they
had been looking for me because my mom was starting to have difficulties. We
talked a bit and suddenly my mom tried to get out of the bed. I tried to help
my sister and cousin hold her so she wouldn't fall. What I saw then in her eyes
I will never forget.
To understand what I saw you will
have to first know what my mother's eyes looked like in life. She had the most
amazing dark olive green eyes with little chestnut brown flecks scattered
through them. They were always that color. What happened to her eyes when she
tried to get out of bed is something that had troubled me for several years
afterwards. My mother's eyes changed from that wonderful green to those of a
wild animal. They literally changed color from green to a brownish yellow color
just moments before she laid back and exhaled her last breath. It was if she
were staring right through me. It seemed that she was angry because she was
dying and she may have well been because she was a fighter and had fought to
live for fifty years. Her last exhale was a long sighing sound and after that
she didn't even resemble my mother any more.
At the time the entire event
freaked me out and left me devastated. I recall hiding around the corner
in a chair crying, too numb to talk and too freaked out and actually scared to
look at her body. I know my sister and aunt kept asking me if I was okay but
all I could do was comfort rock and hide.
What I have come to understand
six years later is this:
We are not our bodies! We are a soul that uses a
physical body to experience things here on Earth. How do I know this? The
body I helped keep from falling out of the bed was no longer my mother. The
body that lay on the bed dead and not breathing was not my mother. The soul
that was the very essence of my mother was gone from that body. Everything that
was my mother had vanished and crossed over passing through the veil that
separates us ever so slightly.
I truly believe the eyes
are the window to the soul and you can see when the soul is not there.
I know my mom, dad, and sister
are just over there on the other side. And for anyone that needs to know more
of the truth; just know that my phone was laying on the couch a foot from me
and it lit up for no reason while I typed this a message that she knew I wrote
this. (There were no texts, not calls and no emails.)
Peace and Love
