Long Ago - An Excerpt part 2

Runs-Like-A-Deer gently woke Janie up early one morning while it was still very dark outside. He had sneaked in to the rectangular hut the embers were glowing from the fire. He had stirred the embers  and small flames were beginning to flicker as he put on new wood. He put his finger over his lips to silence her before she spoke and motioned her to follow him. she crawled out from under her furs wondering why he was there so early. She grabbed her moccasins, tip-toed past her adoptive mother and sisters and followed him from her home.

He led her away from the village using a large stick wrapped in hide and soaked in bear-fat for a torch. Janie was silent as they walked and wondered what Runs-Like-A-Deer was up to. He led her through the forest on a narrow uphill path for miles as the sky slowly began to lighten. Finally the thick forest gave way to open rocky ground and he led her to the edge of the rocks that overlooked a small river. It was the same small river that flowed past their village she could see far below to her right in the distance. Runs-Like-A-Deer sat on a large flat topped rock and patted the ground for her to sit beside him still saying nothing. Janie sat down right next to him with a few inches between them curious as to the purpose of their adventure. She wondered how angry Grey Dove would be when she woke up that she wasn't there to help with her little sisters and the chores . Nothing was said for a long time and she listened to the sounds of the river burbling far below them and the birds singing as she  stared out across the open space toward the East.

Finally Runs-Like-A-Deer turned towards Janie just as the sun broke the horizon sending out shafts of warm golden light across the sky and landscape. As the sun's golden light hit Janie's face a small humming bird flew up to Janie and hovered for a moment looking at her before flying away. Then Runs-Like-A-Deer spoke softly asking Janie to be his wife. Janie smiled knowing that the hummingbird had been a good sign and knowing it was time to let go of her past hurts and be free. She turned to him nodding her acceptance before kissing his lips softly.

Thoughts of Thankfulness

Today is a beautiful day. I am alive and healing. I am grateful for all those that love me and all that I have. I am at peace. The sky is a perfect blue and speckled with fluffy white clouds. The sun is shining and feeding the trees, flowers and other plants. the birds are singing as a gentle breeze blows. I am blessed and I am loved.

An Exercise in Love

Once we did an exercise at work on resiliency. In this exercise the group formed a large circle. The people in the circle had to face outward and keep their eyes closed. Selected people went around inside the circle saying kind words. I cannot remember anything anyone else said except for the woman who said three simple words to me, “I Love you.” These three words brought tears to my eyes and I cried. I left the room immediately as the group was released to discuss what they had felt. In the safety of being alone I cried more because of the ache in my heart before I slowly pulled myself together. I cannot tell you why I cried other than the impact of hearing those words from a colleague that hardly knew me.

I cannot recall hearing those words very often as a child. Things I heard saw and had done to me as a child from the people I loved most, I took to heart and believed and little by little. I took them to mean that I was unworthy of love. Yes, I was gullible and believed because these were the people I had chosen to entrust my well-being and growth with. No, I was not grossly abused and I do remember being happy. I know that I became an escapist and would spend hours alone or outside away from every one. So what happened to me? I cannot pinpoint the exact moment where one event was the cause.

Some of the things people say to their children tell them they are not accepted as they truly are. Words are as strong as steel and children are pure love. What people do to their children is slowly crank shut the faucet from which their child’s love pours until there is nothing but a mere dribble left. Instead we need to allow them to explore, grow and bloom because inside each and every one of them is a genius waiting to find their niche in the world where they can be of the best service to others and be love. Loving kindness should be the priority of every parent. As we teach our children loving kindness it becomes a part of them and they will treat others with the same loving kindness. Say, “I love you,” to your child every day!

 

Feeling

      Everyday I feel something new pop up from my past. Some small hurts, some large hurts but I allow myself to feel them. Things I had never allowed myself to feel and things that I had pushed down for years. I allow myself to feel the anguish and pain of it and I cry and cry. I allow myself the realization that each hurt was an experience and a lesson that led me to where I am now. It was never more than just an experience that I asked for. I am so thankful for my time alone to do this because it is private and very personal. I don't want hugs I want to feel and I want to know that it is right and good for me to feel and release. I know I am growing and changing.  I can feel it in my heart and my soul. I feel more at peace than I ever have before in my life and as each thing comes up the peace grows.

      I may always have a tender and compassionate heart. Maybe I will cry at things that hurt someone but does not bother others, but what I feel inside me is the hurting and pain of that someone. Not the physical pain of others but the pain from their heart and soul. I am love. My love is pure, straight from my soul.

      So FEEL, experience the pain, the joy and the emotions of life! Then know they are experiences and feel the PEACE and LOVE inside you, for you are connected to my soul.

The Lesson part 2

I spent my weekend in my heart space last weekend and it was the most amazing experience ever! I became a Oneness Blessing giver. Now I find that I have given myself a lesson to understand and grow from.

Tuesday evening I fell and we thought I merely sprained my ankle. I couldn't decide if I wanted to go to the emergency room or not. (You may ask why this was so hard and I will explain later) Finally we came home and I iced and elevated my ankle. I walked on it as necessary figuring that was the best for it. Thursday I went to the doctor because I had feeling I should have it checked. A friend also suggested that I should have the doctor check it.

I had x-rays done and was still walking on it and before I got home the doctor's office called to tell me I could no longer put weight on it and that they were prescribing crutches and setting me up with an orthopedic specialist because I have two spiral fractures.

Initially I was upset, and glad I had it checked but I cried. I spoke with my friend again and was telling her where and how I fell and that I thought it a miracle I didn't hit my head. She told me that a man in spirit form blocked me so I didn't hit my head. She described him and I am certain it was my grandpa. I told her that it had been hard form me to decide to go to the ER or not. She asked why and I told her because I had my foot smashed by a 6x6 beam from our shed in high school and my parents never took me to have it checked. Then I had found out years later it had been broken. She then asked me what that told me. I said that I wasn't important enough to them. She agreed and said that it was the reason I couldn't decide and ended up not going. She told me that it was now my lesson to learn to take care of me.

She called after speaking with our friends and they had said I chose this lesson before I came because it was to help me with my decisions to continue my spiritual growth and that it was part of my releasing of past hurts. She said that it wasn't going to be easy and that she wasn't going to tell me how it would be fixed, but they all saw the same thing. I knew how they will fix it with out her saying so I told her I would be getting pins. She confirmed it because I said it. She told me how they would all be with me when it came time and that afterwards as I healed I would write.

I plan to meditate as I am asleep for the pins. Or perhaps it will be a different experience which is what I feel. We shall see.

I am thankful for all my emotional healing and I hope it continues.

A New Lesson

Yesterday I had a lesson on listening. My husband was going to his mother's to plant some rhubarb plants she had been gifted. I mentioned this to my daughter and she said, "Don't go." I asked if he wanted me to go with him. He said, "Yes and maybe you could go upstairs and get mom's laundry while I put in the plants."

So I went, I ended up getting water for the plants and before we left she asked about the laundry. He started to go and I said that I would go. then he said I didn't have to but I said I would anyways. On my way down the steps I misjudged my last step and missed a step. I fell and twisted my ankle in a small cramped space. I yelled out and my husband came running and helped me up. It hurt to walk and put my weight on my foot. He wanted me to tell him what I needed and I couldn't do that. I didn't know and I didn't want to inconvenience him. I ended up coming home to ice it and elevate it. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor to have it checked.

We talked today and I asked him to get a wrap for me and he said he would when I said thank you he said, "You are welcome because I love you."

What I have learned is; I need to listen to others sometimes. It is not all about me having to do things. It is not about me inconveniencing my husband, but allowing him to love me and take care of me. My walls are crumbling.

Sometimes...Curious

Sometimes I would like to know what others think when they read what I write. Is it good? Is it bad? Do you agree? Disagree? Made a mistake getting here? I am simply curious.

At Peace

Today I stayed in bed instead of getting up right away.  I meditated and saw some images, one of which I will sketch and the other was a feather. I had been thinking of how I wanted to gift a friend with something she will find useful and special. Then I had the most amazing time with a soul that I love dearly. I felt safe, secure and very loved as we spent time together. I thanked God for the gift of life, for all that I have and all those that I love. I got up with the most incredible feeling of peace and gratitude.

I went out on the deck this morning expecting a gift to give my friend and it was there! I am not sure what bird it is from but it is in pristine condition and a wing feather!

All is well, all is wonderful, the universe is good!
Namaste

The Visit

Today, during meditation, I was drawn to a place that was beyond what we would find horrible living conditions. Houses were mere discarded lumber, cardboard and pieces of metal. There was a huge landfill nearby and they got what they needed there. The streets were muddy and filthy and children played in them while their parents did what they could do to ensure survival. There was no running water or toilets in the homes. There I met a child dressed in dirty clothes that were too big for him. He was a beautiful child and his appearance did bother me for I felt awful because of his deplorable living conditions yet the were of no consequence to him. When he spoke to me it was through his beautiful brown eyes for no words were exchanged between us. He told me he had been waiting for me and I asked him why. He said that I was the answer to all the world's problems. I told him that I did not understand how I could be the answer. He simply said, "You are love. Teach compassion, teach love, all will heal that you touch and it will spread." Then he told me to write a new meditation for my students that was based on clearing chakras and teaching to connect with their souls but not to be so obvious to outside observers that they would be able to object. And so it is to be done.